Jul 032004
 

by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill

Washington, D.C. – Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th,the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

“The cost savings will be quite significant,” says Congressman Adam Smith (D. – Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting Office) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. “We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive on the world stage,” Congressman Smith said.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two-week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices in Mumbai, India, will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1 Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month but no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.

“I am excited to serve in this position,” Mr. Singh said in an exclusive interview. “Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday.”

Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern. The spokesperson further noted that “additional savings will be realized as these scripting tools have been successfully used by Mr. Bush and will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to fully understand the issue itself.”

Mr. Bush has been offered the use of a Congressional page to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position, as job prospects in the Sports Franchise Ownership arena remain limited. A recently released report from the Pentagon suggests a good prospect for him as a newly unemployed person may be in the Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his unit and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before. “I’ve been there, I know all about Iraq and the conditions there,” said Mr. Bush. He gained invaluable knowledge of the country in his first visit at the Baghdad Airport non-smoking terminal and gift shop.

Meanwhile in Baghdad and Fallujah, Iraq, local Iraqis say Mr. Bush would receive an especially warm reception from them. The Iraqis’ only request would be to be informed of which convoy he would be riding in order to give him the welcome he deserves.

Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities, including that of Vice-President and most Cabinet positions.


 Posted by at 9:06 am

  5 Responses to “Extreme (but good) Outsourcing”

  1. Hey, I’ve had an “Outsource Bush” bumper sticker on my car for months.

  2. Hello:

    I am the author of the above listed piece. I never expected something I wrote one evening last April to wind up being disseminated so widely on the Internet and email lists. I only discovered such when it came back to me on an entirely different email list I belong to. I then went looking and (so far) found it on 68 different web sites, even one in the UK where it had been re-written to apply to Tony Blair.

    I wanted to say thank you for properly crediting me as the author. Few of the other sites did. Yes, I did release it into the public domain with no copyright. As such, yes, they were under no obligation credit me. That you at least did is deeply appreciated.

    I’m glad your members seemed to enjoy it so much as I did writing it.

    Again, Thank You, and take care.

    Sincerely,
    Melynda Jill Jones

  3. Your so sad!!!! Cant wait for 4 more years and you know its coming

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