Apr 262005

As is so often the case, I’m trying to follow the logic in James "Krazy Kristian Kook" Dobson’s speech at the "Justice Sunday" (motto: Gonna Get Legislative On Your Asses) Conference. Ye ‘ole bouncing ball of logic was careening around that Louisville church like a rabbit on a meth binge. Apparently, Dobson learned everything he needed to know about the U.S. Constitution from his fourth-grade teacher, who may have been named something like Eunice Cobblower.  According to Dobson from Miss Cobblower’s civics lesson, "The Founding Fathers knew we are flawed individuals," and so they devised checks and balances between the branches of government. Then Dobson giggled that this was back during a time when you learned things a bit differently about the way government works.

Now, here’s where it gets weird, Dobson’s got a problem with the Supreme Court, or, at least, "five black-robed judges" who can tell us all what to do. Those judges, one should acknowledge, were put on the court by a majority vote of the Senate based on the appointments of (mostly Republican) presidents. So, apparently, the majority can be wrong, whether it’s the majority of the Supreme Court or the majority of the Senate, elected, one may presume, by a majority of the people in a majority of the states. So the will of the majority must not be given such power, right? Got it? No, no, you don’t, you stupid, godless idiot, because then, we learn, the problem is that the minority of Democrats (and a few "spongy Republicans," as Dobson put it, apparently comparing them to that prominent animated gay sponge in square pants) can block judges that they deem too radical. So the will of the majority must be obeyed or judges will make decisions regarding issues like prayer in school that are "opposed by more than 70% of the American people," according to Doc Jimmy Dob.

This is just the beginning of the constitutional gymnastics Dobson engages in. In fact, that’s Dobson’s purpose: to actually crawl into your brain and confuse your cerebellum into acquiescence so that your mind, so covered in Dobson’s foul seed, will be unable to comprehend that what Dobson actually said is this: The majority is wrong except when it’s right acxcording to him.

And, because, apparently, dear Miss Cobblower must have been killed by a harvesting machine before her lessons in the separation of powers ended, Dobson is able to say, in all seriousness, that the courts have "absolute power" in the nation. His expectation that his listeners are willfully or really stupid allows him to say that the ballot box is the “only means” by which we can affect the make up of the court. Well, no.

I say, let’s call their bluff. Let’s make this put up or shut up time. Dobson knows, Bill Frist knows, the sad Chuck Colson, the mad William Donohue, the smug Tony Perkins, they all know the Founders built in a mechanism that allows the people to enact their will on the form of the nation. See, right now, the whole debate about filibusters and "activist" judges is a matter of wanting the courts to solely rule in the favor of the evangelicals, the fundamentalists, the theocrats. But they’re actually scared of the truly nuclear option: try to get amendments into the Constitution. Then no judge can rule against you. That would certainly solve the issue. That’s been attempted, and is on the map again, but no one has really taken the CRA seriously. I say, bring it to a vote.

Once you go down that road, it’s truly the end of one kind of civilization or another. Either the country is changed into a society that is opposed to its founding. Or it’s the death knell of the entire radical fundamentalist agenda, because the nation would be forced to ask itself if it wants to be a no abortion, prayer in school, gay bashing regency just bidin’ its time until Jeeeezus comes back to stick it to all us heathens, or if it wants to be America.

The apostles of the Krazy Kristian Kook talk a big game about the Constitutional Restoration Act, but let’s not go half-way. Heck, we know some activist judge will rule that a violation of the separation of powers. Let’s make it a Constitutional Amendment. Oh, and no filibusters. Let’s make Congress have an up or down vote on it. Then let’s see if American’s are really ready to vote for a Theocracy over Democracy.

Bet the fundamentalists never want to go there.

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