May 242005
 

I’m sure you’ve heard by now there was a deal worked out by Senate moderates to avoid a debilitating fight over filibusters. Mr. Sun has obtained details of the behind-the-scenes negotiations that resulted in the agreement. As in all successful negotiations, each side got a little bit of what they wanted. According to my sources, the following compromises were part of the bargain:

  • Robert Byrd to be humanely put down.
  • Dudes may go steady with dudes — but only in the San Francisco metropolitan area, and only if they are totally ashamed of it.
  • United States may invade one non-Christian country per year with no questions asked.
  • Zell Miller gets his duel — with Tyson at The Mirage, Don King promoting.
  • Social Security completely handed over to Halliburton to administer as they see fit.
  • Senate rules amended so that only a simple majority is necessary to override veto of James Dobson.
  • New carpet and drapes at Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location.
  • Bob Dole warned to stop bogarting his special, private stash of 100% pure Viagra.
  • All records, depictions, accounts, rebroadcast, or retransmission of Jenna Bush at some club pounding beers is prohibited without the express written permission of Laura Bush.
  • Former President Clinton quietly given Lynndie England’s phone number.

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