Meet Tom Wells-Candidate for Congress and President

Wells is the president and, if I’m not mistaken, founder of the Family Values Party. He is currently attempting to qualify to run for both houses of Congress from Florida for the 2006 election. He has no chance of winning, mind you, but he’s interesting nonetheless. He has run before, for president (yes, the president) and for Congress in 2002 (19 total votes), 1998 (663 votes) and 1996 (22 votes).

Where he gets real interesting is when you check out his homepage. His site shows all the hallmarks of an extreme right wing page that has little or no budget, horrible design, a strange picture, horrible writing, a complete misuse of capitalization and punctuation, strange fonts, dead links, Bible quotes taken out of context and a general incoherence. We can forgive him for all that, he doesn’t know any better.

But if you click on the link entitled “To find out who can and who cannot give money to the Family Values Party or to Tom Wells’ Campaign,” what you get is what appears to be a basic html web form with check boxes. It isn’t actually, since the closing sentence is: “If you qualify and want to contribute to The Family Values Party, or to the Tom Wells campaigns you must download this web sight, fill it out, sign and date the completed form. Remember all applicable Federal and State laws concerning federal campaign laws apply.” So what looks like an interactive web form is actually a site that you have to print out and mail if you want to use.

So, if you are interested in donating to Wells or the FVP, these are the conditions you have to agree to:

• Not only declare that you will refuse to pay taxes until abortion is banned, you have to officially notify your public officials of this decision.
• Declare that you are not a member of or financially support any group that favors premeditated murderings, (abortion) such as the Democratic Party, NOW, Planned Parenthood or the National Education Association.
• Actively or passively participate in male homosexual acts. (As for female homosexual acts, Tom has this to say: I may not like nor understand female homosexual behavior, but I cannot say it is an abomination against OUR BELOVED HEAVENLY FATHER because HE has been so conspicuously quite on this subject.
• Agree that the worse song ever made or sung is, “I did it MY WAY.”
• Declare that you don’t have any tattoos.
• Declare that you don’t use, grow, sell, promote, own stock, or work to manufacture tobacco products.
• Declare that you don?t use, grow, sell, promote, own stock, or work to manufacture alcohol products.
• Promote false gods by believing in The luck animal parts, lucky shirts, lucky pins, lucky numbers, amulets, and graven images that you honor and that you give credit to them of possessing special powers. These things are an abonination because they put the false gods of luck above God.
• Don’t agree that asking a Jew to work on weekends is the most sadistic form of bigotry in practice today aimed at the observant Jew.
• Don’t agree that Bill Clinton was America’s #1 Chief Baby Killer and #1 Chief Woman Abuser.

If you don’t agree to all these conditions, then you aren’t even allowed to donate money to the party or to the Wells campaign. He does save it all by stating that he won’t take PAC money, though. This is one of the reasons why those of us in Florida refer to the Panhandle as L.A.: Lower Alabama.