Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else
28 June 2017 | 4:15 pm

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else. “If they take, like, a four- or five-run lead, I’ll finally be able to turn this thing off and get some fresh air,” said Neubauer, adding that he was reluctant to abandon the game before he was certain the outcome was locked up and that he would not miss anything. “I’m rooting for the Rockies, but frankly I really don’t care as long as one of them pulls ahead and I can get some work done. I’ve also got to run a few errands, but that’ll never happen if this thing stays close.” At press time ...

Housefly Fondly Recalls Losing Virginity On Rotting Pile Of Ground Beef
28 June 2017 | 3:05 pm

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying the fetid stench of spoiled meat perfectly set the mood for romance, local housefly Tztsz on Wednesday fondly recalled losing his virginity on a decomposing pile of ground beef. “It was such a wonderful experience—we found this nice slimy clump of discolored beef rotting in an open trash can and made sweet love,” said Tztsz, adding that the putrefied wad of ground chuck was a popular spot where several hundred of his buddies also had sex for the first time. “I didn’t even expect Zztzzz and I to go all the way that night, but the moonlight shined so beautifully on the gray, festering meat that I guess we couldn’t help ourselves. The next thing I knew, she was putting her ovipositor into my genital opening. Well, you never forget where you lost your virginity, and I’m glad I lost mine on that ...

Colorado Group Trying To Ban Preteen Smartphone Sales
28 June 2017 | 2:52 pm

A group called Parents Against Underage Smartphones is trying to advance a ballot measure banning the sale of smartphones to anyone under age 13. What do you think?

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