What It Means To Be Republican

July 29, 2004 B. John 225 Views

I must admit to getting a good chuckle from this. It was sent to me by my friend and real estate agent.

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can’t find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
Its okay for the incumbent Vice President to tell a Senator to go fuck himself, but not okay for a Senator’s wife to tell an attack-dog reporter from a conservative rag to, "Shove it."

And these added by my friend Nancy:

Eating pretzels and watching TV are mutually exclusive activities.
Using marijuana to ease the agony of chemotherapy is a crime, but underage drinking is cute, as long as you have a fake ID and your daddy is president. (Learn more)
You don?t have to be even reasonably intelligent, honest, or kind to be President of the United States, as long as you look good in cowboy boots.
Laughing through your nose is Presidential.
When you?re the President and someone whispers in your ear that your country has just been attacked by terrorists, the best thing to do is sit in a second-grade classroom for 14 minutes and shift your eyes furtively.

Feel free to pass this on. If you don’t send it to at least 10 other people, we’re likely to be stuck with Bush for 4 more years.

Friends don’t let friends vote Republican.

Be hopeful… tomorrow has never happened before!