Pastor Holds Mr. Hetero Contest"

You think I’m kidding, but According to Family News in Focus, Tom Crouse, pastor of Massachusetts’ Holland Congregational Church, is tired of homos "flooding the marketplace with products and opportunities exclusively for gays and lesbians," so he has decided to create a contest to "name the most heterosexual guy in Massachusetts." The competition, scheduled for Feb 4, will reportedly feature "such manly events as how many Oprah magazines you can tear at once and a sixty second dissertation on the uses of duct tape."

But the finely nuanced brilliance doesn’t stop at crude exhibitions of chauvinism, as Crouse also says, “In the middle of the event we’re going to have somebody who formerly lived the homosexual lifestyle give a testimony of how they’ve been transformed by Jesus Christ." Despite this obvious attempt at homosexual demonization, not to mention the anti-Pride Flag bumper stickers he sells on his website, Crouse still sums up the pageant of stereotypical masculinity by saying, “We’re just looking for tolerance for heterosexuals.”

No word on how contestants will prove that they’ve never engaged in sodomy in order to qualify for the competition, though we do hear that preliminary events involve the measuring of Uranus. Personally we don’t see how ascertaining the size of a planet has anything to do with homo-sex, but whatever.