News For The Week Ending Dec. 27, 2007

Tiger Attack Wrath of God
It certainly didn’t long for the krazy kristian kooks at Westboro Baptist church to blame the tiger escape at the San Fransisco Zoo on gay people. They got right out there with a press release.

Man Stuck Upside Down in Septic Tank – AP
Smells are known to be very strong inducements of memories, and certainly Christmas has lots of great smells. I love the smell or real Christmas Trees…and the food. Well, poor Robert Schoff is going to have a very different scent associated with Christmas from now on. Seems he stuck his head into the opening of his septic tank on Christmas Eve, got wedged in with his feet up in the air, and it took an hour for his wife to notice.

Time Slowing Down? – Wired
A group of scientists from the University of the Basque Country in Bilbao, and Spain’s University of Salamanca are attempting to explain an anomaly in the observation over a surprising phenomenon: Supernovae stars viewed at extreme distances seem to be moving away from us faster than those nearby. Most researchers have assumed that the stars have somehow accelerated – or that the rate of the expansion of the post-Big Bang universe itself has accelerated over time. This was odd given that the universe was thought to be dominated by matter, which should, through the aggregate gravitational effect of each bit pulling on the others, have led to a deaccelerating expansion, rather than the opposite.

The Spanish researchers are using a complex part of string theory to postulate that time itself might be slowing, given that when scientists view distant objects, they are actually seeing back into time. I don’t know about you, but my day to day life proves this to be a false hypothesis. Things seem to be moving faster and faster everyday.

Wife Stabs Husband for Opening Christmas Present Early – USA Today
Shawn Johnson of Rock Springs, WY called police early Friday morning saying his wife, Misty, stabbed him. Apparently it was the result of an argument where Misty accused him of opening a Christmas present early. No word on whether he really did peek or not.

Bluetooth Headset Foils Robbery – Dayton Daily News
OK, I own one and use it when driving and when hustling through airports, but I think the people that walk around with them on their heads all the time look kind of idiotic and “Borg-ish” (See Star Trek). But in this case, it foiled a robbery at a Wendy’s in Columbus, OH, when Keith Allen Strugill (a two time loser on robbery and rape charges) activated an employee’s headphone when yelling at them to not answer a call while he was waiting on a time lock safe to open. The caller was a friend working at a nearby bank, who overheard the robber yelling at everyone, so she called the police. I guess you know the rest of the story.

UK Man Racks Up $54,000 of Data Charges – Wired
Ian Simpson thought he had an unlimited data plan, so when his roommate showed him how to use the cell phone as a modem, he went to town downloading music and TV shows. Unfortunately, the Vodafone contract said the data plan  was actually only for 120 megabytes per month. Lesson here…read the fine print.

Polk County Boy Solicited by Man Dressed as a Woman – TBO.com
Read the papers long enough, and you’ll probably finally hear it all. Apparently a guy, dressed as a woman, pulled up alongside a boy and asked for directions (given that, I have my doubts it was really a man…men don’t ask for directions), and then offered to commit a lewd act.

Man Threatens Wife With Hoe for Not Cooking Dinner– TBO.com
A Lutz man threatened to put a hoe in his wife’s head because she didn’t fix him dinner. Her son intervened, and the man went outside and returned with a rubber mallet. White trash at its best.