Friendship

Have you ever thought someone was angry with you, disappointed in you, or avoiding you, only to find out you were wrong? Our minds are great at filling in the blanks, especially when the people or relationships matter a lot to us. Sometimes we get so attached to our own explanations that we start treating them as facts.

For years, I worried that I’d somehow upset an old friend whose simple act of love and acceptance had meant more to me than he probably ever realized. When my occasional attempts to reconnect mostly went unanswered, I started to wonder what I’d done wrong. Eventually, I sent a heartfelt note, apologizing for anything that might have happened. His reply showed me how wrong my assumptions were.

Almost 2,000 years ago, the Stoic philosopher Epictetus warned us not to treat our judgments about events as if they were the events themselves. I was surprised to learn how much modern psychology agrees with this old idea. The founders of cognitive behavioral therapy were influenced by Stoic thinking, and years of research show the value of questioning the assumptions that cause us stress. It seems those old Stoics were onto something.

In The Stories We Tell Ourselves, the first essay in my new Ten Lessons in Living Well series, I look at how easily our thoughts can mislead us, especially when love, friendship, and uncertainty get mixed together. It’s a personal story about a friendship that still means a lot to me, and a reminder that not every thought in our minds deserves our belief or attention. Read the full essay and think about how often you’ve worried about a story your own mind made up.